Treatment Day 34 : Trust

Trust got brought up today at treatment.

Who do I trust and why?
Do I trust easily and why?
It's always about why why why!

Here's what I realized. It makes sense but doesn't. K. Here we go.

I want to trust my parents but can't. Like running up a slide I keep trying and going against the odds hoping that fatigue won't get the best of me. It always does and I end up on the ground back where I started. It's a slippery slope opening up to them about things. I always want a certain answer, or someone to just listen-neither one does this very well. Instead I get what they think is helping me when in reality it just hurts. So I swear never to talk to them again and then two days later I'm on the phone crying pouring everything out, trying once again, one last time.

Then there's my girl friends. I let them in instantly, no hesitation. I want to be accepted, loved and supported so badly that I pour it all out hoping for answers, understanding, something real. And until they double cross me and break my trust that's how it's going to be.

But as soon as they back stab me, choose a guy over me, or somehow break my faith in them I'm done with them entirely. I just don't care anymore. I can't explain it, it's like I'm disgusted by them and how they treated me and a huge wall goes up.

It's pretty much the same with guys. To go with the honest theme I have going, and this is slightly embarrassing to admit to an anonymous audience but...

I think that every guy I meet that sparks something in me could possibly be the one. Even though I say I can't see myself getting married, or having a relationship again, I so badly want to. Not now necessarily, but someday.

So each dude that understands what sarcasm is, is educated and attractive I give a chance in hopes he'll be my answer. He'll be the one who fills the empty space in my heart. Takes away the loneliness I feel when I'm not preoccupied, not in my disease. And oh I know it's so wrong.

How many times have I said to my girl friends that they need to be happy on their own? Love yourself before you love someone else? I totally believe this and yet I can't help how I feel.

Going back to the theme of trust, I try my best to let my guard down, but it's hard. I guess after a little while I so badly want to be cared for that I in turn care for them, hoping the feeling will be returned.

But then again considering my past I don't blame myself for going back and forth between trusting or not trusting them. I just don't know what their intentions are or if they really care about me. I guess that's the thrill of it.

Each time I see a spot to be vulnerable and let a guy know I like him I make a sarcastic comment. Or think twice about it and end up deleting it.

Oh it's a confusing world I live in. I'm half inclined to throw caution to the wind and just act on my feelings. But each time I do that I get hurt. I get thrown to the curb. Left for another girl.

And yet I keep trying and keep wanting that security, that friendship that thing most of my friends seem to have found.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than I've met this guy that seems genuine. He makes me smile. And I feel the urge to put my walls down, but what will come of it? Guess I'll never know until I try.

In order to have trust the thing you trust needs to be available and responsive.

This is why, ever since 6th grade, I have had Ed in my life. He is available and responsive. He never left me and always made me feel better when I called upon him.

But now I'm changing my faith and reliance on someone new-myself and my God.