Treatment Day 40 : To Be Honest...

So it's taken me about two days to figure this out, but I finally have.

Ed has been really loud lately. Not so much with telling me mean things about my body but about me mentally. He's really weaseled his way into my brain and I've been thoroughly confused as to who is talking to me most of the time-is it my authentic self or my disorder?

One of the reason I've been so conflicted is the fact that I lied. I lied to my treatment team and to you guys.

On Sunday I messed up.

I decided I wanted to drink at the Sounders game.
So I went and worked out for like an hour. Didn't eat much after that. And then drank. And drank.
I was late to treatment the next day because of it.
I was hung over and felt awful.
And had to lie to everyone there because I was scared of getting in trouble.
I was ashamed of my actions.

I didn't even realize how fucked up my thinking was until the morning of when I was lying in bed. Ed totally got in there and I wasn't aware.

So today I came clean with my therapist and group members and nutritionist.

They don't hate me for what I did like I thought they would. Because well I sure do.

I'm so sick of the back and forth with me. I'm sick of knowing what to do and not doing it. But then again I've been here before. I've thought the same about not bingeing and purging, about hating my body, about my need to exercise and look at me, I'm recovering.

So this is just where I'm at with alcohol. That's all. And that's ok.

Also what's been driving me crazy is I didn't want to admit this but I think I need another week in treatment.

There. I said it.

I'm so ashamed. I mean the program is six weeks and I need eight?

There is a girl that came in after me that will be leaving the same time as I do if I stay.
I am looking at it like a competition. Like I'm a failure for not getting out on time.
It's all Ed. Not me.

Also, I'm nervous about work. I miss it so much and just want to go back. What does everyone think of me? Will they be sick of me extending my date? Do they even need me anymore?

All of THIS negative thinking is also Ed. It's the uncertainty that I hate. The not knowing-so what do I need to do? Get some answers.

Phew. Thanks for letting me get that out.

God bless.

PS FREAKNIGHT IS IN TWO MUTHA FUCKIN DAYS!

PPS and not on an equally as exciting scale but it still is important. I made tilapia, potatoes (with olive oil and dill) and green beans for dinner. Want to know the last time I did that? If you said never, you are right!