Treatment : Starting My Sixth Week - SIX!

Oh boy.

Guys, I've spent a month and a week here. Only one to go, well according to the bare minimum thingy ma jig here. But I feel they will keep me longer. Grrrrryay? Yes grrrYAY! Because I need that extra help.

It's like when you studied for a while but you could still do more but you'd really rather go to happy hour and have a life...I have that feeling now. I want my life HH!

So today I found out that I am on "Level 2" for meals. This means that I no longer have to show each portion of food to my diet tech and I also don't have to prove that I ate it all (by unfolding my napkin and unstacking plates). Yes, yes, I had to do that before. I also am picking all my own meals.

I'm just so damn proud of myself for this. And also for not using behaviors. However, if you've been reading you know that I've just been fuckin' pissed these past days instead.

IT IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. And annoying to just be mean and anxious all the time. I'm an addict without my crack and well there's no going back.

This is so exciting when I really think about it. I'm starting LIFE. I'm working towards living, instead of going through the motions and rituals.

When my coworkers go out for lunch I won't be scared to not complete my work. I won't be scared of the "unhealthy" food. I won't be afraid to spend money excessively.

I'll be able to get up in the morning and not cry because I don't look "perfect."

I'll be able to have a life since I don't HAVE to workout everyday.

But most importantly, I'm going to find myself. Or well I am finding myself.

It's very hard to stand up against Ed and say that I have a personality and that I am my own person, because well I don't know who that is yet. Honestly, I want others to tell me how they see me and then I'll go with that. Double crossing Ed and saying that I have an opinion, I have talents, skills and admirable traits is really scary, however every time I stand up for myself Ed gets more and more timid.

Booya.

Also, something I learned today is how much yoga helps me. I'm going to be one of those women who can't live without their yoga classes. It reminds me that I can't change my thoughts but I can feel them, and move on from them. Also it makes me feel ok in my body.

My yoga teacher has curves and is so sexy. I admire her so much. She's helping me accept my own body by just being her.

So yes, lots to celebrate, and it feels good to be able to do so.

God bless.