Treatment Day 47 : Anorexic baker faces demons in the kitchen

So I get home, to my parents' house, I haven't been here in 3 months.

The first thing I want to do when I walk in is eat.

I'm sick and have a head / ear ache and food is usually what I turn to to make me feel better. Plus being home sparks thousands of memories of binges and food. It's crazy that my mind can make me feel like I haven't eaten all day the moment I walk into my house, even though I ate an hour ago.

So to distract myself I go to watch the newest episodes of Sons of Anarchy but the news comes on when I turn on the tv.

I see the words "calories" "purge" "73 BPM" – I know immediately this story is about an eating disorder.

I watch this girl's story http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Anorexic-baker-at-home-in-the-kitchen-176536101.html and am not sure what I feel.

I'm disgusted with how the news shows this girl. Showing her weight on TV, really it'll just make more girls want to be anorexic and turn to disorders to try to lose weight—because they see it works. And I'm sickened by how Camilla blogs about her calorie intake and exercise regimen. But then again it's not her that I'm disgusted with—it's her Ed. I see the pride that goes into saying how little she ate, how low her blood pressure is, how small she is—telling the world that she's under a hundred pounds.

But then again I wouldn't have said this two months ago. I would have envied her discipline. And the fact that she looked so pretty on the news. Why can't I get attention for my disorder-says my disorder.

Now I'm someone that's healthy or getting there—getting to where she needs to be—where she can be and at the same time I'm where she's been.

This girl couldn't afford treatment so she (ironically) baked cookies and sold them via her blog to help raise money.

"One cookie at a time, Camilla raised $7,000 dollars. That's enough for one week at Utah's Center for Change. But Camilla needs six months, first to get healthy."

As soon as I heard those words I got up from my spot on the couch and my mom stopped me.

"Are you ok? What are you doing?"

"I'm not sure what I feel right now, I just need to help her."

So here I am writing about her story and how it intertwines with my story.

I don't know this girl but I probably know her better than most of her friends and family do. I know the way her mind works. I know the feeling of not being able to stop, the feeling of wanting to disappear, of being unworthy and of not understanding when people compliment you. I know having good days when you seem you have it under control just to find the next day Ed has won again.

It sickens me that others have this disease. We have a new girl in treatment that's 15 and another one who is a grandma. I don't wish this disease on anyone and yet I have it.

My heart aches for Camilla and yet is so damn proud of her. She's defying Ed just like I am. And for once I can kind of give myself the same grace and say that I'm proud of me too.

So please read her story, and donate to her treatment—her life.

God bless

Treatment Day 46 : I Am The Hulk

The chairs are a creamy white, lush fabric covers the firm cushions in their designer shape. Rectangular and square rust red and lime green pillows pop off the whimsical-colored furniture. I want a room in my house like this. A traditional fireplace is the center of the room.

No wait, I'm the center of the room.

It wasn't this way 20 minutes ago.

20 minutes ago this was a room full of easy conversation. Words and expressions filled with hope, pride, joy and eyes letting go of happy tears.

Now the temperature is rising. My leggings dig into me and my arms wrap around my middle alternate hands reaching for alternate sides of my hips. My fingers find the extra flesh that wasn't there two months ago…my fears are confirmed. 

I've gained weight.

I don't know what is being said to me or about me or around me. I've stopped listening—involuntarily. I'm starting to sweat as my body tenses. I'm so uncomfortable. Just get me out of here. Why can't I calm down? Where is this coming from?

My fingers pinch my sides again. I shift my weight and slide further into the luxurious arm chair. Sadly, I am still very visible in the room.

I hear my mom's voice, "you just look so much healthier. Your eyes are brighter, your hair is shiny, your face…"

She doesn't finish what she thinks my face looks like. She knows better.

Ed hears "you're a plump pig now. She can't finish what she thinks of your face because she was going to say it's more round. Round like a fatty's face. See what you've done? I was right, you have gained weight. How I despise that word healthy. I want people to see your sickness, envy it and long for it. You've lost your identity. Now you're just … healthy," he spats at me.

I get more fidgety as the conversation turns to some of my old outbursts. Times I'd rather not remember.

I get tunnel vision. The room goes dark even though I can feel my eyes moving from my mom's face then following my dad's hands gesturing towards me, I see his eyes crinkle in a smile. He must have said something nice or empathetic.

My therapist addresses me. "Kris, what's going on for you, I see you've checked out."

That's a good question, what is going on for me? 

Oh no. Everyone is looking at me. 

I can't control my heart beat. I can't stop sweating. My hands are shaking grabbing at my chest and thighs trying to scrape off my flesh…to release me from this body that is causing me so much discomfort. I want to disconnect form the shame, anger, guilt I feel. But I can't go anywhere I can't escape myself.

I ask for help. I ask to leave. She wants me to sit with my feelings. I have a hard time doing so. The room is getting smaller I'm getting larger and angier.

"Please just let me get out of here!" I cry.

I feel them watching me in horror or is it concern? Either way they are baffled—is this girl, who's scratching at herself and crying out in hysterics really their daughter?

What to do, what to do with her.

They are excused as I reach full panic mode.

They say they love me and I say I'm sorry.

I'm sobbing, screaming and trying to release something that's inside of me, that scares me—that is me.

I'm shaking, I'm ashamed but I can't stop. 

"Be calm. Find a calming yoga position," my therapist says.

Calm. What is calm? I can't go back now I've hit something in me and I don't know what to do or what's happening. I'm not me and yet this emotion is taking up all of me.

The anger, fear, distress whatever this emotion is uses my body fully. My hands shake, my body aches, I can't breathe.

She talks me down and the first words I can find are used to insult myself.

Letting her know I know I deserve to be embarrassed and punished and ashamed. I know I'm a wreck and I know I'm a bad person.

Then she says what I've been needing to hear, "you're alright. This is just where you're at right now. And that's ok."

Treatment Day 45 : Expectations

I'm sick. And it is not making me very happy. I'm going to crawl into bed after writing this and dream of a world where my throat doesn't hurt and I'm not coughing up snot.

Yum.

Also, I'm going to dream of a world where there is NO Christmas decorations allowed until the day after Thanksgiving.

Ok so to get to the moral of this blog post...er not moral but point...yes the point of this post. I've decided expectations suck.

Yes that's right. THEY SUCK.

Recapping my weekend from Freaknight failure to a wonderfully chill Sunday night I realized how much my expectations played into how happy I was ... or was not.

So, Freaknight was supposed to be awesome, like go in there, see some of my favorite artists, dance my giraffe tail off and fall in love with one or multiple hot men for the night. None of this happened exactly how I planned and the result? I was fucking pissed off.

It's only natural to have expectations though, but I'm going to try to keep mine a bit uh er smarter. Every time I have a let down like I did this Friday I learn something new. For example, don't pre funk and get to shows EARLY, and don't leave your house keys in a strangers car. But mostly what I was reminded of is that things don't always go how you plan them.

Relating this back to treatment, I didn't finish in the 6 weeks. I had a lot of shame attached with that fact, I was let down.

The other night I made a fool out of myself by inviting this guy to my parents' house (just so we could give candy out to trick or treaters...NOT because I want to like have him meet my parents yaddida?). I was not expecting him to flat out say no and get creeped out. And yet he did.

Then when he left the house for a bit I actually thought he left me for the entire night because he thought I was so stalkerish but then he came back with roses.

oh. so....

Once again expectations or well I guess I could even go with assumptions are a tricky road.

But they are impossible to avoid. Expectation and anticipation is what makes things exciting. I mean why else would they have advent calendars for goodness sakes?!

So how to have expectations without having them ruin yo shit.

I don't really have a point to this or an answer haha I'm just going over it with you all as I think it. Lucky you.

I guess I just have to take a step back and see the big picture. Stick with the facts. And not to say have low expectations but just be smart about things.

If this doesn't make sense it's because I took nyquil a bit ago.

HA

Good night God bless

Treatment Day 44 : I LOVE LEARNING

Guys. I'm just learning so much. I just have to share.

God that sounds so sarcastic, and well I am making fun of myself but at the same time I'm being completely honest.

What I've been learning lately is (and all this learning started happening at about oh 8:30 PM Saturday night):

1. People drink and drive. Like actually have a beer in hand and drive. I guess after my own personal experience with getting wasted THEN driving, totaling my car and losing thousands of dollars plus  my freedom, I thought everyone would learn from me and my rants. But no, I hopped into the car to go to Freaknight and the driver had a beer in hand. 
2. Unfortunately things don't always go as planned. No matter how much you try to control the situation or event. Two of the people I went to Freaknight with had to leave after a half an hour of standing in line. AKA I was alone for  two and a half hours crammed up against people in line and also by myself for the first 30 minutes of being inside the show. #buzzkill
3. Taking shots will only make you feel better temporarily and make you feel much much worse for a longer period of time the next day. Ok maybe I knew that one but I just got a reminder this Saturday morning...afternoon.
4. Don't leave your studio keys in your ride's car. You never know what will happen to said ride.
5. I can spider man through my apartment window like a drunk rhino aka NOT WELL AT ALL. But it still happened and was successful.
6. I'm learning that speaking up for what you need and your rights is not a bad thing or a burden to anyone. Rather helps you out and communicating what's going on in your head to others makes a lot of sense as opposed to having them read your mind.
7. I'm not the only one who makes mistakes.
8. I am once again pleasantly surprised as to what quality, caring, fucking awesome people my friends are and how much I admire them.

1. I just found out I cannot properly use the numbered list in blogger...
2. If you write "Firefighter" on your hat when you're dressed up as a firefighter ... people think it's funny. Including myself. 

1. I'm learning you can't really count on anyone but yourself. And not in a morbid way but in the way that you have to take care of yourself, because no one else will.
2. I learned that my eye lids have an allergic reaction to fake eyelash glue.
3. I am pretty much set on not having a relationship with an American guy ever again. Recently I've met guys from Lebanon, Egypt, Australia and Spain, all of whom treated me with much more respect, had a sense of humor and were really well dressed than most American guys I've dated.
4. That I am changing my relationship with alcohol. Like it's not a fluke or a phase. I'm now seeing it as something to enjoy-not to get me drunk. I'm realizing when I've hit my stopping point and it's ok to not want free shots. It's ok to not finish a drink. And that I really like beer and champagne was just what I drank to get drunk quicker and with less calories.
5. Today in church I learned that prayer isn't just about praying. It's about the side effects of praying. Like when you pray you are humbling yourself, you are admitting you are helpless and that's ok. The side effects of praying are living a better life each time you open your heart and mind to the idea of God. So it's like having a little taste of serenity that you get on Sundays each time you talk to Him.
6. I learned that the farmers market on Broadway goes at least until the end of October.
7. That farmers markets only generally take cash and if you have a bag of apples in hand and have no way of paying for them the woman in yoga pants and an over-sized infinity scarf will give you dirty looks for wasting her time.
8. Lastly, I'm getting more comfortable with doing what I want to do. Like now I wanted to write...so I am. The old me would be at the gym, I mean I did have a beer or two last night, gotta work that off...but no, no I don't. I can do what makes ME happy and not my disorder and if that's ranting on here then so be it.

God bless. Go Seahawks!

Treatment Day 43 : Freaknight Was Dumb

And I'm going to tell you why.

Freaknight 2012 was a waste of my money overall. Parts were my own fault but I can't get greedy here, I mean I didn't want to stand in line and be molested by strangers for two hours.

But that's getting ahead of myself.

My mom is the type of person to write a company if she's not satisfied with their product. And I really admire her for using her freedom of speech and sticking up for herself. And I'd like to do that now.

Dear Whoever Cares That My Night Was Ruined Last Night,

I bought my Freaknight ticket about 2 and a half months before the event, knowing that I would get out of treatment for my eating disorder around that time. I have been in recovery for the past 2 months.This was going to be a celebratory night.

These shows are a passion of mine. I love the freedom I get when dancing. I express my true self with the outfits I wear. Electronic music has brought a kind of zen and serenity to my life that I haven't been able to duplicate. Going to see my favorite DJs live and sharing the beauty of music with a just-as-enthusiastic community is nothing short of Awesome.

Since going to my first rave over two years ago, I have almost not missed one show at WaMu Theater. I even spent most of my savings going to Ultra Music Festival in Miami this past March. I even got a third (yes third) job in order to support my show habits. Basically, these are more than just shows to me, they are a reminder of what matters in life.

My values are to live in the moment, to celebrate, to be yourself and love others-that's what raves are all about in my opinion.

So now that you understand how important Freaknight was to me, hopefully you'll see the impact last night had on me and my attitude towards the staff and event coordinators for the show.

As I said I'm in treatment for my eating disorder. That's not cheap and I'm also unable to work, so $90 for a ticket was a stretch. I made my costume for about $15 and a ton of hard work.

I got together with my best friend and a group of great people and headed off to what was supposed to be a great night.

We arrived at WaMu parking lot about 9 and were in line ten minutes later. And that is where I stayed for 2 long hours. I have never been so claustrophobic  upset and scared all at once-or for so long. The moment after I got in line my costume began to get destroyed. There was no organization for the massive amount of people, nor was there anyone directing people where to go or any kind of crowd control. I was almost thrown up on. I definitely deserve dinner from about 50 guys that were mashed up against me for hours.

I think the worst part was watching both Bingo Players and Morgan Page-my FAVORITES-play from the sardine can of a line I was in. I was helpless, cramped, uncomfortable and alone (since my friends and I were not able to even stay in line together because it was so crowded).

I finally got into the venue at 11:30. I was so upset, flustered and stressed out that I just wanted a water. But there was a massive line there too. It was like I couldn't escape them.

I'm very disappointed in the way things were run. There was no apology that I've seen from USC Events or WaMu or Pro Staff for the longest, most out of control line I've ever experienced. As I said I've been to MANY events at WaMu and around the nation and never been treated the way I was last night. I felt as though my money, my time and my satisfaction didn't matter to anyone.

Most of the reason I bought my ticket to Freaknight was to see Morgan Page and Bingo Players. I didn't see a single song by either artist. I want my money back, a voucher for another event or in the very least a sincere apology.

And I want to know how this will be fixed for future events.

I will say that once I was in there, it was a blast. The set up was great, even though I did miss the bleachers. I don't want to take away from the amazing artists and sets. I just want my rant to be heard.

Thank you for reading and your time, Lord knows I gave you most of mine yesterday,

Kris

Treatment Day 42 : Freaknight

Hi ya!

I'm cuddled up in bed and have spent the past hour trying to sleep.
It didn't work.

Just lost my train of thought because my best fwend called me.
We are going to Freaknight together.
WOO.

If I could do jazz hands, I would be doing them now.
What the hell does that mean?

So the reason I couldn't sleep was because well it's hours until I see BINGO PLAYERS, MORGAN PAGE, FLUX, DADA LIFE etc LIVE and get to dress up as a giraffe and be seen by hundreds in a strapless nude bra-who the hell wouldn't be awake? But also because I had feelings that I needed to sort out. So here goes.

I bought champagne.

I was thinking to myself. Why are you doing this? Did you not brag about being able to not drink at these things?
Yes, yes Kristin you did.

Did you not black out for ALL OF KASKADE and will forever regret it?

Yes, yes Kristin you did.

Did you not feel like the shit of all shits after drinking on Sunday?

Yes, yes Kristin you did.

And yet I bought it.

So what is this relationship I have with booze?

Is it social? Partially. I see others doing it and I want to too. But then again I see people making fools out of themselves and really don't want to do that too.

AND I know comparing is bad. Very very bad. I am not like you - you are not like me. I am me and I need to take care of me and do what I want.

Selfish? Yes.
And that's ok.

So is booze a coping mechanism? Kind of? I am not drinking tonight because I feel sad. Because I feel fat. Because I am upset. I am drinking I guess because I am wanting to celebrate. I want the buzz. The little light innocent buzz.

Also, I look at it this way. I have this HUGE negative connotation towards drinking. Like you know how we have fun food? And fun food is things like chocolate or sweets or baked goods etc? Well I used to look at that stuff as bad news bears. The end of all ends. Forbidden.

So I would binge off of them.

I also look at alcohol in that way now. I feel like it's totally off limits. That it's the devil. That everyone will be disappointed in me if I have some. That it's forbidden.

But when I look at the big picture, I treat it just like I do fun foods. I put it on a pedestal I give it power. And like the fun food I have to relearn how to use it and enjoy it. In normal amounts, in a safe setting and really be present while doing it.

That means no chugging it, no taking shots, no taking pulls. That means sitting down enjoying a glass, bottle, whatever and seeing how I feel.

I am happy with my conclusion and how I've sorted this out.

I am going to go make dinner and eat it all, no more no less.

I am in control. Not ED.

Then I'm going to dance and dance and yell and scream and dress up like a giraffe until my friends come get me and I go off to Freaknight.

I went a year ago almost exactly. Last time I was probably 10 / 15 lbs lighter and blacked out. I was just trying this thing called recovery and look at me now.

This time can be different.

<3 be="be" bless.="bless." god="god" p="p" safe="safe" tonight="tonight">

Treatment Day 41 : I Am A Giraffe

No. Like seriously.

That's what I am dressing up as for Freaknight. And I'm really stinkin' proud of myself.

I've turned what was a joke in high school (and probably college) into my costume.

I saw those puppies at Value Village (my new Nordstrom-yes Nordstrom not NordstromS people) and a work of art was born! Haha or a lot of puff paint on cloth.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder kids.

So after finding the horn ear thing I had to figure out how to make this concept work.

I came up with getting very thick fake eyelashes, since well, they have big eyelashes.

Black gloves (my hooves?) - these may be thrown off in a fit of rage (aka dancing) the night of.

A strapless nude bra that I puff painted perfectly. Almost.

And this bottom half of a tee shirt that I got at yes you guessed it, Value Village.

I had to paint the "skirt" in my bathroom  (as you most likely noticed) to get both sides done on time. There's a newspaper in the middle because the paint was soaking through. Opps. Also, this is not the finished product.

Oh yes and I'm using patio paint on the skirt, because I ran out of puff paint.

I must remember to get more bronze / gold puff paint before Christmas or else my decorations will suffer.

The most interesting part will be my makeup.

I have a friend who doesn't look like a drag queen when she puts on eye shadow (that's usually what I end up looking like if left to my own devices) and is willing to help me out.

I'm thinking of painting my nose and sides of my face and have it trace down my neck and chest to my bra.

Sexy?

Let's hope so.

And let's also hope that the eye shadow / eyeliner I bought to put on my bod and face doesn't sweat off and look like I rubbed my face in mud while I'm dancing.

And if it does-who cares? I paid $90 bucks to see Noisia, Laidback Luke, Morgan Page, Bingo Players, Dada Life and Flux oh and ARMIN VAN BUUREN just to worry about my make up.

Happy Halloween kids!

Oh PS my treatment team said it is now their recommendation that I stay another week on top of the week I've already done. I think I should listen to them. ;)

Thank you so much for your support!

Treatment Day 40 : To Be Honest...

So it's taken me about two days to figure this out, but I finally have.

Ed has been really loud lately. Not so much with telling me mean things about my body but about me mentally. He's really weaseled his way into my brain and I've been thoroughly confused as to who is talking to me most of the time-is it my authentic self or my disorder?

One of the reason I've been so conflicted is the fact that I lied. I lied to my treatment team and to you guys.

On Sunday I messed up.

I decided I wanted to drink at the Sounders game.
So I went and worked out for like an hour. Didn't eat much after that. And then drank. And drank.
I was late to treatment the next day because of it.
I was hung over and felt awful.
And had to lie to everyone there because I was scared of getting in trouble.
I was ashamed of my actions.

I didn't even realize how fucked up my thinking was until the morning of when I was lying in bed. Ed totally got in there and I wasn't aware.

So today I came clean with my therapist and group members and nutritionist.

They don't hate me for what I did like I thought they would. Because well I sure do.

I'm so sick of the back and forth with me. I'm sick of knowing what to do and not doing it. But then again I've been here before. I've thought the same about not bingeing and purging, about hating my body, about my need to exercise and look at me, I'm recovering.

So this is just where I'm at with alcohol. That's all. And that's ok.

Also what's been driving me crazy is I didn't want to admit this but I think I need another week in treatment.

There. I said it.

I'm so ashamed. I mean the program is six weeks and I need eight?

There is a girl that came in after me that will be leaving the same time as I do if I stay.
I am looking at it like a competition. Like I'm a failure for not getting out on time.
It's all Ed. Not me.

Also, I'm nervous about work. I miss it so much and just want to go back. What does everyone think of me? Will they be sick of me extending my date? Do they even need me anymore?

All of THIS negative thinking is also Ed. It's the uncertainty that I hate. The not knowing-so what do I need to do? Get some answers.

Phew. Thanks for letting me get that out.

God bless.

PS FREAKNIGHT IS IN TWO MUTHA FUCKIN DAYS!

PPS and not on an equally as exciting scale but it still is important. I made tilapia, potatoes (with olive oil and dill) and green beans for dinner. Want to know the last time I did that? If you said never, you are right!

Treatment Day 39 : Light Bulb

I'm in a mood.

So I'm painting my nails "Fuchsia Fever," my pumpkin-maple-spice-amazing smelling candle is lit, I'm in the baggiest sweats I own (courtesy of an ex) and after this I'm going to crawl into bed and start reading The Time Traveler's Wife.

This is all in attempt to make me feel better, because currently I feel like poop.

Ewe. I hate that word.d

But seriously. WTF is wrong with me? (Ok. Wait. Positive talk. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm just not peachy keen right now...what does that even mean?...gah.)

The first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning was how I had an extra protein bar with my snack last night. Ed did not like this and told me not to eat my morning snack. To eat on the smaller side of my breakfast. And that my pants already didn't fit because my snack made me fat. Ya know, the usual.

I told Ed to shove it and I ate my morning snack and didn't change my outfit to make him feel better. But he didn't quiet down.

All day I've been back and forth with why do I eat food? I just have to work it off anyway. Every time I plated today, especially those things that have fat in them (ie peanut butter or sausage) I caught myself cursing myself for putting this in my body.

Just like two days ago I was A-O-K, I didn't have these thoughts and was just going along, being all recovered and shit. Why is this happening?!

Everything annoyed me today. The girl who wouldn't stop jittering her leg. The way the therapist looked at me. How my hair fell. That the bus driver told us to have a "terrific Tuesday" and that his name was George. I was a meany head today and I don't like it.

Oh. Light bulb.

Said just like that!

I guess basically I don't like that I'm not all smiles and happy and everything is easy.

WHY ISN'T EVERYTHING EASY?!

I keep forgetting that even though I'm in recovery it won't always be easy, that I'll have to keep fighting, keep working even though I've made tremendous progress. I also keep forgetting to be kind to myself and remember what I'm going through, I have every right to be irritable and stressed right now. I mean you guys too, if you're in a mood, or sad or disappointed or whatever negative feeling, if you really go back over what you're going through give yourself the credit you deserve. And also know that the feeling will pass and while you're still in that feeling to treat yourself like you would a friend who's going through something tough.

Easier said than done, but the reminder is always nice.


Good night, God bless.

Treatment Day : 38 My God That's A Lot.

Hi kids!

So, I over slept this morning-opps and had breakfast here at home. Then raced off to treatment. Got there in time for some art and such.

I started painting a Christmas picture :)

Did some other therapyish stuff then met with my parents for a family session.
It. was. um.

Great.

No seriously. It was.

For the first time in a long time I think my dad heard what I said. I told him that I don't really know him and I'd like to. I told him how frustrating it is to ask him about his day or work or life and have him ignore me or give me like a two word answer. Then he told me why he does what he does and revealed what goes on in his head a little bit.

We DO NOT talk like this-ever.

I met with my mom after my one on one with my dad and we broke some ground too. I can tell she's so proud of me and is actually working to help me recover. Before she just wanted to hear the good stuff or would get so mad at me it would make things worse.

Then they left and we did some more stuff that I can't really remember until we went on an outing to a grocery store!

I learned a lot and picked a fear food-spinach ricotta stuffed shells.

The cheese and pasta combo freaks me out. But now I know that it's two servings of grains, two proteins and some veggies! No big deal mayne.

BUT THE COOLEST PART OF TODAY WAS THIS:

I only am at the center for 8 hours this week, and if I stay healthy I get to leave on Friday.

YES YOU HEARD RIGHT LAST DAY IS FRIDAY!

The night of FREAKNIGHT.

It's just too perfect.

I have a habit of getting out of epic things and going to a rave ie) jail and now a treatment center.

Now I'll have time to make dinner on my own. The grocery store is like a candy store now, there's so many options and dishes I want to try that I would never allow myself to have. It's been YEARS since I've bought crackers for goodness sakes.

And I'll be able to see my friends more. Go OUT to dinner with them.

Get home before 8 :) it will be so very nice.

Oh and then I get to go back to work obviously. I miss it so much. I'm a little scared as to how my writing is and things like that since I've been gone. But I'll worry about that when I get there!

I'm just so fucking proud of myself. And I should be.

Ya that's basically it. Ed is still loud sometimes but I chose my voice over his.

Oh we have a new girl and she WANTS her disorder still. She has no shame in saying so. Can I just say (yes I can this is my blog) that I am so happy that I did this. I am so happy I want recovery and that I'm getting it. It blows my mind how my world is turned right side up from upside down in just 38 days. I just feel really blessed. And yup that's it!

God bless!

Treatment Day 37 : Tougher Than It Seems

Ah it's already Sunday. Where did my weekend go?

I love the feeling of Sundays though, they are calm and peaceful. It's a day that I use to relax yet be productive.

If I had cable I'd just have football on all day and clean.

Guess I'll just have to clean without the football.

But before I can get my rubber gloves on, there are things on my mind and I'd like to get them off (that's what she said). One of my therapists said (ha yes I have multiple) to check in with myself this weekend. So this is me, checking in.

Breakfast was harder today. It seemed like too much food and I wanted to eat veggies instead of my extra dairy and protein. I could lie, they'd never know. - That's Ed talking not me. I realized this and plated my breakfast as I should and ate it all, I'm really full now. 

The fullness makes me think about working out and how uncomfortably full I am which then triggers a tape in my head. The tape just reminds me that I'm going to get bigger if I keep eating like this, it's a constant fear that was subconscious until treatment started. However, again, that's Ed talking not me. I realized I cannot try to beat the system, or lie, it's only hurting myself. Like if I lie about how much I'm working out so they'll lower my meal plan that just means I am not getting what I need. Like I used to go for 55 minutes of cardio during a workout. It wasn't fun and I had to force myself to do it. In a recovery mindset now I only want to do like 30 / 35 minutes. So if I do what I want and I start gaining weight they will bump my meal plan down. It's really hard to trust them with that though. But I have to stick with what I want to do, not Ed. So if I want to eat a normal breakfast and not workout at all then so be it. It doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me fat.

My thoughts don't control my life, I do.

A lot was brought up last night too. I went out on ze town.

The first thing that was difficult was getting ready. I didn't like anything I put on. But--and this is the cool part kids--I stopped myself and asked "why are you so concerned with how you look?"

The answer was so I'll get attention from guys. My mind was wondering-what will they think is sexy? What will make them want to talk to me. But then I realized that that's not why I was going out.  I was going out to celebrate a friend's birthday. So therefore I should wear something that is A. warm and B. that makes me happy. I got dressed in two seconds after that.

Lastly, and this is a bit awkward to write but basically, I was making out with this guy last night.

Woo.

During it flashes of my experiences with guys came flooding back and I realized how much work I need to do in this uh... realm. 

There was no pressure to go further than what we were doing. I am not like that thank you. But still my mind was racing-"what does he want?" "is he happy with just kissing?" "Yikes where is his hand going?" (Just brushing my hair out of my eyes) I was on the defensive. Seeing this in a recovery mindset shows that I have a flight tendency when it comes to guys. I don't understand what is "normal" sexually and I don't understand where and how my body plays into it. My mind goes back and forth between run, stay, make him happy, oh that's nice, run, stay...

So that's where I'm at. I'm lucky to have my treatment team to talk to about this tomorrow.

For the rest of today I'm going to clean up the pile of clothes that is my carpet, go to the gym and lift some weights :), make lunch, run errands and last but not least go to a Sounders game! (and not drink :) )

God bless, thanks for reading!

Treatment Day 36 : Saturday!

I'm on cloud nine right now.

I slept in for the first time in ... I don't know how long, MONTHS.

I made my breakfast according to my meal plan.

I cleaned my room, did laundry and cleaned my makeup brushes (DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO THAT?).

After I'm done typing I'm braving downtown Seattle on a bike. I am no where near a Seattle-ite because I have no clue as to how to er properly ride a bike downtown. I'm doing my best to not become one of those asshole bikers that I used to curse at in my car. Hmm maybe I should look at the rules of the road.

Eh. At a later date.

So yes riding my bike to Eastlake to get my Sounders suite ticket for Sunday's game!

I'm excited to have a bit of a lenghty ride, I have my ORCA card on hand if I don't think I can make it back.

Now that I see exercise as not a necessity but rather "joyful movement" (but really, that's what helps remind me what exercise should be haha) I'm seeing all these doors open up!

I'm going to try to go do yoga tomorrow somewhere, if not in my room with YouTube.

It feels wonderful to have freedom and feel in control.

Yesterday I realized how messed up my perception of control was for so long.

My rituals and restrictions and rules around food and exercise made me feel in control. I knew what was "good" what was "bad" what would make me fat and what would make me skinny. But it was all an illusion. In reality the disease was calling the shots and I was at it's mercy.

Now, when I make decisions I make them based on what I want. Not what Ed wants. It's hard to decipher now but I'm getting there. There's still that adrenaline rush every time I go against what I would usually do, that makes me feel like I'm getting away with murder and out of control but that's just Ed freaking the fuck out because I'm defying him.

Boo-ya.

Today after my bike ride (which really should be very interesting) I'm meeting a friend to go last minute Halloween shopping as well as just explore my neighborhood.

Then tonight I have a couple things to look forward to, like a surprise from a certain someone as well as an evening out at fine establishments like The Unicorn.

I can't get over how vibrant the leaves are and how blue the sky is this morning. God is good.

Treatment Day 35 : Poems About Puking.

In program we do a project that's called ED vs Authentic Self. I'm nowhere near artistic so I wrote. I used to write poems in high school and tried sharing them with my mom but they just freaked her out.

Lovely.

It felt good to write again, here's what I came up with today.

This is my pre-treatment self

I'm bent over the toilet, my rings are scattered on the floor
I swore I wouldn't do this anymore.

My heart races, my eyes water
But my determination never falters

I clasp the porcelain for support
and purge all of the hurt

I deserve the pain, the bloodshot eyes
The teeth marks on my hands tell no lies

I am weak, I am enslaved
I am addicted, I can't be saved

I wipe my mouth and take a breath
Oh that's lovely, I feel calm at last

Then here's the middle...my treatment self.

Ed and I are talking.

Who do you think you are
Like you've really come so far

I am strong, I am not weak
It is me, not you I seek

Silly girl, you created me
So in your heart I'll always be

No you were in my head, not my heart
It is life not death I want

Life without me is nothing at all
With no legs to stand on you will fall

I may be on the ground, on my knees
But it is here where I can pray to my God, to someone who really loves me.

This is who I want to be, hopefully, one day.

I can't see what's in front of me
But i know here is where I should be

One foot follows the last
I'm walking away from the past

I feel sure in my actions
But my head tries pulling me in another direction

I'm not sure what's right-what's wrong
But the old me is long gone

There's hope, there's life
That comes from strife

I have this light, this serenity
That comes from just being me

Treatment Day 34 : Trust

Trust got brought up today at treatment.

Who do I trust and why?
Do I trust easily and why?
It's always about why why why!

Here's what I realized. It makes sense but doesn't. K. Here we go.

I want to trust my parents but can't. Like running up a slide I keep trying and going against the odds hoping that fatigue won't get the best of me. It always does and I end up on the ground back where I started. It's a slippery slope opening up to them about things. I always want a certain answer, or someone to just listen-neither one does this very well. Instead I get what they think is helping me when in reality it just hurts. So I swear never to talk to them again and then two days later I'm on the phone crying pouring everything out, trying once again, one last time.

Then there's my girl friends. I let them in instantly, no hesitation. I want to be accepted, loved and supported so badly that I pour it all out hoping for answers, understanding, something real. And until they double cross me and break my trust that's how it's going to be.

But as soon as they back stab me, choose a guy over me, or somehow break my faith in them I'm done with them entirely. I just don't care anymore. I can't explain it, it's like I'm disgusted by them and how they treated me and a huge wall goes up.

It's pretty much the same with guys. To go with the honest theme I have going, and this is slightly embarrassing to admit to an anonymous audience but...

I think that every guy I meet that sparks something in me could possibly be the one. Even though I say I can't see myself getting married, or having a relationship again, I so badly want to. Not now necessarily, but someday.

So each dude that understands what sarcasm is, is educated and attractive I give a chance in hopes he'll be my answer. He'll be the one who fills the empty space in my heart. Takes away the loneliness I feel when I'm not preoccupied, not in my disease. And oh I know it's so wrong.

How many times have I said to my girl friends that they need to be happy on their own? Love yourself before you love someone else? I totally believe this and yet I can't help how I feel.

Going back to the theme of trust, I try my best to let my guard down, but it's hard. I guess after a little while I so badly want to be cared for that I in turn care for them, hoping the feeling will be returned.

But then again considering my past I don't blame myself for going back and forth between trusting or not trusting them. I just don't know what their intentions are or if they really care about me. I guess that's the thrill of it.

Each time I see a spot to be vulnerable and let a guy know I like him I make a sarcastic comment. Or think twice about it and end up deleting it.

Oh it's a confusing world I live in. I'm half inclined to throw caution to the wind and just act on my feelings. But each time I do that I get hurt. I get thrown to the curb. Left for another girl.

And yet I keep trying and keep wanting that security, that friendship that thing most of my friends seem to have found.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, other than I've met this guy that seems genuine. He makes me smile. And I feel the urge to put my walls down, but what will come of it? Guess I'll never know until I try.

In order to have trust the thing you trust needs to be available and responsive.

This is why, ever since 6th grade, I have had Ed in my life. He is available and responsive. He never left me and always made me feel better when I called upon him.

But now I'm changing my faith and reliance on someone new-myself and my God.

Treatment Day 33 : Punkins

Dear Diary,

I had the best day EVER!

I woke up and showered. That alone would make the day more positive than negative.

I got to ride my bike into treatment.

I was not late. Score.

I had a conflict with one of the girls in group and we worked it out. I swear I couldn't talk to most of my "normal" friends the way I talk to my treatment friends. We are so open honest and fuckin' raw man. But seriously it's refreshing how honest and supportive we are with each other at the center. They know the worst of me, understand me and most importantly still like me.

Then we went on an outing for lunch.

I kind of freaked out because I still don't know what I want to eat. It sounds silly, but nothing sounds good to me. I either want it all or nothing at all. But I ended up ordering something with mushrooms because that seemed appealing...it was pretty good. I had to eye my portions and not get lost in my head during the meal. Overall it was a success.

Then I got special time to work on bills. Fucking Century Link upped my internet bill. So I'm getting new coverage - I know this does not matter, I just hate that they call Qwest CL now. The Clink. Derrrrr.

At 4 PM I left to go home early to prepare dinner on my own for the first time in 6 weeks haha

I was really anxious so I went to the gym briefly and then to the grocery store.

I ended up with chicken and couscous. Plus a side salad. It did the job.

Then 5 minutes later my closest, dearest friends came over to carve pumpkins.

I was super nervous / excited. I mean I even lit candles and cleaned my room. . . oh that sounds like I had other intentions than just carving pumpkins...anyway

I got my evening snack of fruit and string cheese ready along with soy nuts and almonds for them too.

Then I winged it from there.

It sounds silly I would be nervous for my best friends to come over and yet that's what I was. But as soon as we started talking my walls came down, my nerves calmed into laughter and I was home.

I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Even though they don't have what I have they understand it. I was always so ashamed to talk about it with them. They are such powerful, strong, confident women and then here I am talking about how I ate a roll of cookie dough and threw up...but they get it. I'm so blessed.

We carved / painted pumpkins and then just talked and laughed and LIVED. Gosh I'm so cheesy right now, but really I was just enjoying being in the moment with them. Not second guessing myself, my thoughts, my words, actions etc.

I am happier I have ever been and all I had to do was try. I went out on a limb and let people into my world and I am so happy I did.

What's that quote? About never knowing what you'll have if you quit..."There's only one thing that can guarantee our failure, and that's if we quit."

I haven't quit on my recovery and it's really starting to show. 

I'm so damn proud of myself.

Good night God bless.

PS I don't reread these. Because I am too damn lazy so if it doesn't make sense. Zat is why!

Treatment Day : Er...A Lot

Guys. OMG guys!

I am sofuckingexcited.

Because...I think I know when my end date is.
Like when I'll get to have a life again.
And not like program didn't let me have a life but rather Ed didn't.
I haven't had a life since I was 14.
That's 10 years of entrapment, confusion and hate.

Now I'm not free by any means, I have to treat myself well right now and with care, but still I'm getting some freedom.

I'm spending my first weekend away from the center this weekend.

HOLY BALLS! I know so awesome.

I have to have structure in my days and just take it slow.
But at the same time I feel like a kid on the last day of school. I just want to run out the doors and not think about school work again.

But then I'm fucked if I do that.

However, I can't stop smiling, this has not happened in a while.

It makes me so fucking proud of myself that I came here on my own dime, on my own accord and worked my ass off and it's paying off.

This may not happen, but tentatively  I will have weekends off and then start doing half days this next week. Meaning I go 8 to 3, so like a full day minus a bit haha But still I'll get much more done during the day as well as get to practice making my own non Ed influenced dinner.

Thank you so much to everyone who's helped me get this far.

Oh and tomorrow I'm having some girls over to carve pumpkins.
This is big for me because I used to isolate in my room / studio. I never wanted anyone over so I could eat or binge alone. So they wouldn't interfere with my weird habits. It was a place of secrets and shame. But I've decorated the fuck out of it and I can't wait to show my friends my decorations and to try something new.

Lord give me strength.

I'm so happy right now! Haha

God bless.

Treatment : Starting My Sixth Week - SIX!

Oh boy.

Guys, I've spent a month and a week here. Only one to go, well according to the bare minimum thingy ma jig here. But I feel they will keep me longer. Grrrrryay? Yes grrrYAY! Because I need that extra help.

It's like when you studied for a while but you could still do more but you'd really rather go to happy hour and have a life...I have that feeling now. I want my life HH!

So today I found out that I am on "Level 2" for meals. This means that I no longer have to show each portion of food to my diet tech and I also don't have to prove that I ate it all (by unfolding my napkin and unstacking plates). Yes, yes, I had to do that before. I also am picking all my own meals.

I'm just so damn proud of myself for this. And also for not using behaviors. However, if you've been reading you know that I've just been fuckin' pissed these past days instead.

IT IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. And annoying to just be mean and anxious all the time. I'm an addict without my crack and well there's no going back.

This is so exciting when I really think about it. I'm starting LIFE. I'm working towards living, instead of going through the motions and rituals.

When my coworkers go out for lunch I won't be scared to not complete my work. I won't be scared of the "unhealthy" food. I won't be afraid to spend money excessively.

I'll be able to get up in the morning and not cry because I don't look "perfect."

I'll be able to have a life since I don't HAVE to workout everyday.

But most importantly, I'm going to find myself. Or well I am finding myself.

It's very hard to stand up against Ed and say that I have a personality and that I am my own person, because well I don't know who that is yet. Honestly, I want others to tell me how they see me and then I'll go with that. Double crossing Ed and saying that I have an opinion, I have talents, skills and admirable traits is really scary, however every time I stand up for myself Ed gets more and more timid.

Booya.

Also, something I learned today is how much yoga helps me. I'm going to be one of those women who can't live without their yoga classes. It reminds me that I can't change my thoughts but I can feel them, and move on from them. Also it makes me feel ok in my body.

My yoga teacher has curves and is so sexy. I admire her so much. She's helping me accept my own body by just being her.

So yes, lots to celebrate, and it feels good to be able to do so.

God bless.

Treatment Day 30 : Breaking Habits Is Hard To Do

So I'm soaking wet, waiting in the dim light for my bus home from treatment.

This sucks balls. I got out at 6:30, it's 7:15. My bus still isn't here.

I've already spent 11 hours at treatment, and now I'm just sitting here in the dark waiting. Then I still have to take the ride home. Then walk up from Seattle to the hill.

I'm just really bitter. Yes, there's nothing I can do about it, but it doesn't make me feel better. I'm just angry. I'm angry that I don't have a car. That all the other girls in treatment are already home. That they aren't soaking wet.

If I was home I'd be putting away my laundry, going to QFC, working on my Halloween costume, watching highlights of the game. But instead I'm here.

It's the out of control feeling that I don't like. I can't stand it. That's why I do what I do. I want to feel like I have a handle on things. That my actions cause an automatic reaction. I like seeing progress and getting results. When I throw up I feel empty, which calms me. When I exercise there are endorphins that give me a kick start. When I don't eat and deny my body food it's all up to me. You know what I mean?

And now I'm left here to sit. Just be with nothing to do and all my thoughts. It fucking sucks. So I thought I'd journal about it.

It's not helping.

I've just been angry lately. Since I'm not bingeing, purging, and haven't exercised in a week (fuck.) I am not using my coping skills that I usually do. I am no longer ignoring my anger. Or pushing it down and away with my disordered behavior. Instead I'm just feeling it.

It's like you have peanut butter in your hair and everyone took away every method you had to deal with it. So you must sit there with the sticky stuff getting worse, smelling stronger, getting messier as you try to think of other ways to get it out.

That's where I'm at.

Now, I have things that I'm learning to help me but they are not instinctive.

When I get anxious I need like to breathe deeply and try to notice things that are happening in the moment, right then and there. That reminds me of where I am and not about all the things I should be doing or should have done.

When I start to pinch at my waist and thighs, analyzing them, I just tell Ed to stop it. To leave me alone. I don't have anything to counter his insults because I still see them as fat, but stopping the thought helps. It gives me power.

Also, I'm supposed to start surrounding myself with positive things. Like doing things I want to do, instead of being preoccupied with food and exercise and rituals. This is also new to me and like with anything new it's uncomfortable. I'm supposed to NOT workout everyday, that used to bring Ed joy, not always me. So what the fuck do I do with my time? I turn to food after that, which I can't do anymore. So there's a lot of walking around my house cleaning. Ha cool huh? Social situations still make me anxious so I don't go out much. But I'm starting to find things that make me happy.

It goes back to values.

What are your values? Mine used to be being thin. And being seen as successful. That's it.

But now I'm realizing that my values are being a good friend, sister, daughter, Christian, writer. I want to walk into a room and exude confidence. I want to make others laugh with my sarcasm. I want to spark ideas and hope in others with my writing.

Now, none of those things have to do with appearance.

Oh.

Weird.

Today we had to name people we admired. I write down my 5 closest friends. I then wrote why I admired them, and this is what I said: " They are strong, beautiful, selfless and caring people. But most of all I admire that they are their own person, they are comfortable in their skin and own who they are, they know who they are."

I want to be like my friends, so maybe I should hang out with them more instead of Ed.

Goodnight God bless

Treatment Day 28 : Explaining ED

Explaining ED.

ED harms the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well being of me and my family and friends.

In order to understand this addiction, I need to realize what benefits I get from it. This will help me figure out why I keep doing these abusive habits even though they are clearly not healthy.

To get better from the disease I also have to find out why it started.

Here are some reasons:

1. the more powerless I feel in the environment I'm in, the more strongly I'll experience the need to control my food and my body.
1. when growing up I felt helpless, at school especially when the girls stopped liking me.
2. When an environment is seen as untrustworthy then I use the structure and order of ed to have stability and protection.
1. at home I thought my parents were out to get me. Also, this was where some things happened that lead me not to trust my family.
3. Ed becomes a protector and a friend to me in an uncertain world.
1. again with the out of control / lost theme. I didn't have many friends in junior high (or felt as though I didn't) I also didn't get along with my parents. I always felt out of place. This was the one thing I could rely on. I could rely on the starvation and the exercise and them always being there in my head.
4. To avoid stress the compulsive patterns and behaviors that are disordered become a distraction. 
1. I would often have an exhausting schedule that would leave me feeling accomplished. For example working at 7 am then going to classes filming til 9 at night and then editing well into the morning when I was in college. Doing all of that wouldn't allow me time to sit and think to myself, or be inside my head which is where I feel empty and alone.
2. a preoccupation with food also lets me numb out. If i'm thinking about what I will eat, what I haven't eaten, how my next binge will go I'm not able to focus on the loneliness I feel inside.

In short goals that I try to obtain (subconsciously of course) through food manipulation are:

• punishment
• attention
• a cry for help
• escape
• avoid feeling
• comfort
• security
• accomplishment

ED also provided a distraction from:

• low self esteem
• fear of rejection / failure
• loneliness
• crisis / past trauma
• conflict
• stress

 So my manipulation of food and eating habits eventually lead to me to turn them into something else. A coping mechanism, a drug, an addiction and a fatal disease.

So this is where I'm at now. These habits, thoughts, rituals, way of life is now slowly being changed and I am figuring out what to replace them with. I'm learning what is healthy, happy, "normal" and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

However, I'm learning to distinguish my ED self from my authentic self. But ED's hands are twisted very tightly around my heart and every time I lift one of his fingers from my life source I can breathe a little easier. Function that much better. Laugh a little bit louder.

I wrote this in hopes for people to understand the disease. To show it's not just about weight, and body image. To try to give insight to those who are suffering. I know this explained a lot to me and helped me feel less alone and sad, rather that there is a way out and I'm taking it.

God bless.

Treatment Day 28 : Jealousy

Ok so, I went and saw Adventure Club and Big Gigantic last night and was unable to post this last night. However I did in fact write it last night, so it still counts. . .

So we have a new girl.

She's 18 and more put together than I will ever be.

I hate her.

Of course.

I'm so jealous of her. She's skinny (heh that's almost a given considering where I'm at I guess), uniquely pretty, worldly and is NICE on top of that. 

She reminded me of the name of the bar under Moe Bar today. Like WTF.

So given all of these awesome facts, I of course, immediately want to be like her. Exactly like her.

Screw this self work shit I've been doing, this girl's got it together I need to be her. I have no amazing attributes compared to her. I mean she can pull off short  bangs for goodness sakes. She's the definition of Capitol Hill with a splash of Snohomish. Yes it works wonderfully together. And well kids, let's face it, I do not.

I feel like SHE has the answer to my emptiness and loneliness, not me.

Compared to her I'm fat, frumpy, I fumble over my words and am just lame. I should just not try.

I listen to her in group and shut down. Nothing I have to say anymore is worth saying. Nothing will sound as good as what she says. I shouldn't even try to dress fashionably at group anymore because my fashion can't compare to hers.

I'm a woozer.

I wish I was invisible.

Just when I was getting my feet on the ground this … I wanted to say bitch … but she's totally not one … this amazing 18 year old girl … comes in and wrecks everything.

HOLD UP.

Ed shut the fuck up.

As I'm writing this I realize what's happening. I'm COMPARING again. Not good. Comparing is the thief of joy. No really, it is.

I will NEVER be the skinniest, prettiest, most fun, smartest, clever-est…? haha If I compare myself to everyone. The whole reason I'm here is to find out WHO I AM not who I'm not!

So I shall write a gratitude make me feel good list:

1.       I liked the dessert we had today only it needed milk-all cookies do (and they were Halloween themed. I ate a bat and a pumpkin today.)

2.       I stopped eating when I was full – even though there was more on my plate (I have ranges…I plated high to test myself)

3.       I ate what I wanted to and not what ED said to eat so yes that means mayo in my tuna melt and peanut butter with my apples

4.       I am going to list off the top of my head people that care about me: Allie, Kara, Katelyn, Jess, Emily, Jake, Luke…

5.       I'm going to go SOBER to Adventure Club tonight!

Ballin'

So I'm actually in my work's bathroom right now typing this out. I should be at the show but I'm so damn dedicated to blogging that I had to get this out. Oh, I'm in my work's bathroom getting ready for the concert which is right next the venue.

I also should say it's weird being back. I miss this office so much. Some coworkers were here when I popped in. I feel like I've missed a lot and haven't. I feel awkward being here a bit but also excited. I want my life back…or well to start it new! And I get to go back to a place that's supportive and an environment that I thrive in.

God I'm so blessed.

Muwah good night God bless.

Treatment Day : 27 a;jldf;ld

So I had a swimmingly nice day today. I don't know if that's a saying but I just said it.

And errything was just dandy.

Like we had art today and I worked on like three paintings. I met with my counselor and got a lot of understanding as to where I am and why I am the way I am also how to move forward.

The girls were in a great mood and the ones that have been more "problematic" weren't even around us today. It helped so much.

I even got to go out of the center to get an EKG or ECG same thing.
Stands for Electrocardiogram. I thought they were saying ECHO until I just double checked my spelling haha It's a German term and they spell cardio kardio.

Ya just taught ya something.

Anyway today was fine.

But by the time I've biked up Capitol Hill and get to my apartment I'm so frustrated that I want to throw my bike into the door-since the door slams shut on me whenever I try to get both of us threw it.
My headphones get caught on my helmet and I try to just rip them and my coat off while my backpack is securely fastened to me.
I scream into my pillow and feel this rage. So much hate for my body. I can feel that my legs are fatter and I've been trying to suppress it all day.

Guess it just came out.

I'm just having a hard time. Like I know what to do to make it better but it's so HARD. If I haven't said this, this is fucking hard. It's really difficult to shut up your thoughts, Ed talking to me, not feel things I'm sure are true. It's like saying the earth is flat after learning for years it's round.

LIKE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

I really wish I could go to a rave right now.

Guess Adventure Club in  my room will have to do. For the next 10 minutes that is. Because I'm supposed to be social and normal around my friend soon.

Ha

Goodnight God Bless.

Treatment Day : 26 Lemon Poppy Seed Cookie

Today victory came in the form of a delectable-slightly too heavy-gluten free lemon poppy seed cookie.

I had what's called a "fun food" today for snack. It's all candy, chocolate and cookies. Something that I used to put into my body just to get rid of.

To clarify what goes through my mind when I'm doing this it's kind of like I'm finally giving myself something I would never let myself eat in a normal day. It's a food that's garunteed to make me fat, miserable and ruin everything I'm working towards - being hot. So when I get to have sweets like this I eat them in excess, incredibly fast and don't even taste what I'm eating really. I zone out, and am numb. Like think about when you're drinking to get drunk and not feel. Or working out to do nothing but be into your work out. It's like that but with food. Same with getting rid of it. It's a form of self abuse and release. Each habit uses all your senses so you don't have to feel anything.

So today a friend in program grabbed a cookie and I was like I want one too.
It was bombbabombbombomb because I, me, Kris, wanted it not Ed.
So I had it.

End of story. Well almost.

It's really hard to explain my days at the center because so much yet so little happens.

Emotions go up and down all day long. I can be fine one minute then a girl triggers me the next and I'm feeling like I'm in a fog. I have trouble writing these blog posts because finding a central theme is hard.

But basically I'm noticing Ed fighting really hard. I keep writing that out but it keeps getting tougher each day and yet I come out on top.

Racing thoughts went through my mind after eating the fun food. I didn't get to walk home today, which cuts out a lot of calorie burning. I also didn't work out at all this morning so that's scary. Then for dinner we had chicken parmasean which I have been petrified to eat. I can't go to the gym tomorrow because I have plans, nor the next night because I have plans and now it sounds like Friday I may be with friends too. No gym for that long? AND they are upping my meal plan?

Thinking of all of this connectively is fucking hard. It's making me anxious. But I know how to combat it. That it's just Ed bitching. I'm learning to trust my body and moderation rather than my rituals. I need to let go of the fear of getting fat. It's just the unknown that freaks me out. I know that my body doesn't want to be obese it wants to get the nutrients from the food and get rid of the rest.

I WILL BE OK.

I didn't walk home tonight because my best friends picked me up and took me to another girls house.

GIRLS NIGHT! :)

It was a little hard at first seeing the freshly baked food as well as not getting inside my head worrying about how the girls were interpreting what I was saying. If they thought I was fat. If they liked me. Ed telling me I'm the most boring one in the room. But I came out on top.

I journaled earlier today and said taht "So if I have to white knuckle it and keep fighting especially when it's this hard I will."

Being with the girls tonight reminded me of LIFE. Of living. They are all moving forward, getting engaged, traveling for work, applying for new jobs and I am so proud of them. I could feel the love they have for me and while Ed was kind of saying they are just being nice and you really don't fit in, I was hearing their compassion and kindness too.

I don't know I'm rambling. Basically I'm feeling really strong right now, not strong that I'm better but that I can get better and I'm on the right track.

I feel so blessed that I have treatment, that each experience makes me stronger and that I have such a great support system because without them I would not be where I am today.

Good night God bless.

Treatment Day 25 : Entering Week 5

So there's something wrong with me.
I'm emotionless.
Like I think I've developed this super power of not feeling anything.
And it's cool? No, no it's not. It's fucking weird.

I should have all these feeeeeeeeeelings but I got nothin' nada zilch. HA Didn't think I'd spell zilch right. Hanyway.

This morning I was in the bathroom (since I was ON TIME for treatment :) ) doing my makeup and saw one of the girls exercising in the wheelchair stall. I asked her to stop and come out to talk with me. She did.

I was proud for like a second then didn't think anything of it.

We went in to treatment promptly at 8 am and did process (where we talk about our nights and if we did behaviors ie not eating our snacks, over exercising, weighing etc) I had none to report - another yay. But I didn't really feel happy.

I began to talk about how I feel like nothing looks good now and that I'm confused in my body. I don't hate what I see but I don't like it either. I feel like my lack of self confidence is saying something else is wrong. I've learned that I use behaviors and do eating disorder things when shits going to hit the fan.

BUT WHAT IS WRONG?

After process we have breakfast. Which I plate myself (meaning I get to pick). This overwhelms me because before I chose according to how many grams of fat and calories and carbs. Now I have a kitchen full of things I can eat THAT part triggers the overeater side of me  because then I want it all. However I had what I thought I wanted not what ED wanted. Yay again, but still no warm fucking fuzzies.

The only time I felt something today was during yoga. I felt at peace and intune with my body. Then my eyes flash open and my therapist is coming to bring me to my family therapy sesh. I knew she was coming but I wish I could have stayed longer.

Next thing I know I'm in a serenely decorated room and my dad has outstretched his hand for me to hold on one of the plush couches.

He never does that-it's weird seeing affection from him. I take it briefly but pull it away to grab a tissue-my mom has already started to make me cry 5 minutes in.

My mom brought things up that I knew she would, like how she wishes she could just fix me. How she feels respsonsible. How I was hard to deal with as a child. How she just can't listen to me and she just wants to have normal non Ed conversations.

Even typing this this pisses me off. I never got help as a kid and I clearly needed it. When your daughter throws fits because she only scores one goal in soccer, when she comes to you crying every night about the mean kids, when she's scared to eat bread...but I never really got that help.

In her defense I'm sure she did what she thought was right - in my defense this is my recovery and my blog so I'm just going to bitch.

Other things got brought up, like that they are proud of me for getting help. And for the first time I heard their compliments and not their attacks.

Session ended and off to lunch I went.

We processed again. I brought up my parents meeting and I didn't know how to summarize it. Still numb at this point.

I meet with my nutritionist next. She tells me she's upping my meal plan. I've been losing weight somehow. Which to ED is fucking crazy. I've been SITTING ALL DAY eating more than we ever would and working out only like 3xs a week. So now I have to eat more?

ED is now determined that I have to workout every other day, even if that means cancelling plans with friends. ED wants to cut out my morning and night snack (which I do at home). ED is trying to figure out the math as to how much more I am taking in and wondering what our weight is since we haven't been on a scale. It's not fair the diet techs get to see and control everything and we have to trust them.

But, alas, since ED and I are no longer getting along. I'm eating my snack as we speak-the increased calorie version, even saying that makes me mad. And I didn't over do it at the gym.

OMG I'm feeling! Ha just realized it. I'm mad.

Plus I'm listening to Datsik and Excision's remix of Alpha Centauri by Nosia, that may or may not be helping.

And you know what I have every fucking right to be mad. I'm constantly fighting this war in my head that controls my thoughts actions and way of life and I'm doing it for 25 days straight and don't know when I'm out. I'm going against everything I've ever known to be true and attacking my sole source of comfort. I'm in a room with girls that are just as crazy as me all day long. And when I'm home I'm too damn tired to do much.

I just had to address my parents about how I think they failed me as parents.
I told a very sick girl to stop her behaviors.
I'm eating more than I ever have in years.
And doing more work on myself than ever before.
Of course I'm mad.

And that's a o fucking k.


God bless.

Treatment Day 24 : Look Who's Talking

I'm at peace for the first time today.

I was reminded that God doesn't judge me, I don't need to be better in order for Him to love me, I can meet Him here and now and he'll love me just the same.

That is such a relief. I'm still trying to wrap my head around what that means though. I've lived in a world that's so restricted, full of rituals and hate that having someone love me unconditionally just for being me BLOWS MY MIND.

Here's where I was earlier today I wrote this on my way into treatment:

I'm confused. I drank last night. And binged and purged.

Again.

I'm fucking pissed at myself. I'm missing my second bus once again because I couldn't stop cleaning and trying to look good and trying to make myself feel better. It's no ones fault but my own and i feel ashamed and angry and embarrassed. I did this just yesterday. Why can't I get it through my head? Why do I keep pushing it? It's no ones fault but my own and I'm fucking upset. And angry and there's nothing I can do about it now but why do I keep doing this? I'm just sick of myself. My habits how I can't stop doing these things. If only I could I'd be so much better so much happier.

I'm sick of myself and my excuses and how I'm not changing and how I can't seem to get it through my head. I hate myself right now and I'm ashamed. Annoyed.

Messing up again reminds of before treatment and I don't like it. This feeling of waking up demoralized is not new, and I hate that. I don't want to do this anymore.

However once I get through the cloud of anger I realize that I need to be nice to myself, understanding.

I'm doing the hardest thing I've ever done right now, so of course I'm going to fuck up. I've been doing this for years and my habit won't break in 24 days.

But I really wish it would.

I've been late every day this week and I can see Ed directing my actions to get me to keep coming in late. It's basically saying screw you treatment, slowly demeaning it. Which is not what I want.

I never realized how much Ed influenced me. It's getting more clear...er...clearer...everyday but today I didn't see it until I began to pray and ask God for help.

Fast forward to me writing on break in treatment:

I was doing this all on the bus and when I got on my bike to rush to the center I talked to myself out loud.
Yes like a cool kid.

Saying something like "I am mad and ashamed, not at myself rather at Ed. Ed's cleaning habits and need for some kind of control made me late. Ed binged and purged. Ed is bringing you down now and wanting you to stay there so you keep doing destructive habits. You are not Ed. You made a mistake and you can't do anything about it now. Go to treatment and do your best. You are getting healthy, it's just slower than you like. Keep going."

I know I can't live in the past but I know it was hard to stop drinking all together but I wish I could go back to my sober / not bingeing days.

So I'm thinking that I'll make it easier on myself and stay away from drinking situations, just for now. I keep wanting to hold on to something normal. I'm not normal. Right now I need to nurture the new me, be kind to myself and that means not putting myself in tough situations that ed thrives in but rather places that are full of positivity.

That means doing things like yoga, putting Christmas lights in my room, going to a movie-who's taking me? :),  listening to my Freaknight playlist and picking out my 30999bajillionth Halloween costume and of course writing in here.

I'm not making sense. Good night. God bless!